Unblushing Promises

I've been having more bad dreams than usual lately. Last night I had one that woke me up early, tense and short of breath. I've lived a whole day since then, so all I can really remember was that in the dream I was completely alone in a gloomy house, and when I flipped lights on, they were dim and eerie and would never get any brighter. Then at some point in the dream, I realized I was cut off from everyone else in the world, like a ghost, and they didn't even know I existed. And I was doomed to live that way.

That was frightening.

But you know what's wonderful? No sooner did I wake up and get a grip of where I was, and I felt the Father's presence. I was able to smile and worship for a bit and laugh with joy at the fact that I am never alone.

And I just sat in awe for a bit of how much I am really promised.

My life will only get better because I have an eternal one to look forward to. One without bad dreams, without body aches, without shortness of breath. With not even one tear. With no pain or suffering, because these things will have passed away.

WOW...forever? Really? FOREVER? And all we have to do to get that is to run the (if we're "lucky") 100-year race with Jesus that we've been assigned on earth? All we have to do is have one grand adventure of a life, one spent on things of eternal significance? And we get to be one with Jesus, and we get to rest in the Spirit, even here? What an incredible deal!

That I know for sure, without a doubt, that I do not have to fear eternal darkness. That even now, as soon as I call on my Savior, darkness runs away as fast as it can. I know, when I have dreams like that, that they are only dreams that will never become reality. I know that fear, evil, and sin have no power over me. And I know this without a doubt. There are no "maybe if I'm good enough"s or "maybe my next life will be better" or "maybe if I frantically try to do good every moment of everyday, it will outweigh the bad I have done." Father has thrown away the scales! The hands that some say hold judgment scales are actually empty, palms open, ready and longing to welcome His sons and daughters into His kingdom. There are no judgment scales for those who know Him; there is only a mercy seat, with the One who sits on it beckoning, "Anyone who is thirsty, come!"

Confidence in salvation. I am ashamed at how little I rejoice in this. I don't have those dark moments in a corner of my room in which I wonder if I'm really redeemed, if I'm really in the Bride, if I will really be presented white as snow, spotless and sparkling. I don't have those lingering doubts, those little fears...and it has nothing to do with how great I am. I don't even have those fears when I mess up royally. And it's not because I don't recognize the gravity of my sin, it's because His promises are true. He doesn't promise anything on which He does not deliver. Since the rainbow has been in the sky, He has never again flooded the entire earth. He made both Israel and Ishmael into great nations. He sent the promised Savior into the world, that the people in darkness may see a great light. Therefore, I know that if He has promised I will live with Him forever, I have a glorious chamber which He is preparing for me.

"All glorious is the princess within her chamber...In embroidered garments she is led to the King..." Psalm 45
"I go to prepare a place for you." John 14:2

That He has a perfect, unshakable plan for my life. He doesn't have to care about these <100 measly years on this earth, but He cares about even those. He sees every long red wavy hair that gets lost in my hairbrush or that falls to the ground. And some years from now, He will number my white hairs with just as much love and care. So every trial, every victory, every moment of tears, every moment of laughter, is perfect if only because it is orchestrated by my perfect King who will welcome me after all the trials are over with. Who will look at me as a groom looks at his bride. "Well done, my good and faithful servant." "Come...take the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world."

What are the "pleasures" of this earth compared with the promises of my Lord? What does this world have to offer?

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desire not too strong, but too weak." C.S. Lewis

May we have a passion and desire for Him that is worthy of the unblushing promises He has given us.

The Beloved Jester

Almost 2 months ago tonight, I wrote this in my journal:

Lord, I felt so beautiful before You tonight. So fearless. Not because of anything I've done, but because of Your abounding love. I stand in reverence of You. When I went in from playing sports, I was sweaty, my hair was flying everywhere, and my feet were filthy, but all I could think of was "How beautiful are the feet." How beautiful are my feet to You.

And as all of us expressed our love to You together, not because it was some formal service we'd prepared for, not because we were supposed to, but because we wanted to, because we came just as we are...I felt that we were truly the Body. It wasn't about how we were playing or singing, it wasn't about how we looked or even acted, it was about You. Your joy, Your peace, Your fatherhood, Your promises, Your Spirit.

Now, tonight, I am a world away from that place, and yet I'm not.

I'm still with Him.

And I felt His goodness all day today. As I rode my bike to the market, I rejoiced that the sun was out, yet the air was cool. I watched the fruit sellers ride slowly down the road, grinning at me and towing what must be 1,000 fresh oranges, or 50 stalks of sugarcane, behind them in a wooden cart. I loved seeing the stalls softened with knitted hats, scarves and shoes that were probably made by the women who sell them, and seeing a woman seated there and knitting something else, needles in hand and baby on lap. I bought a welcome mat with apples on it, and I bought a couple of jars from that lady I always buy jars from. I smiled at the random "hello!"s that followed me as I passed, and I felt like I was home.

A friend from the university walked me home tonight after English Corner to make sure I was safe, but I don't think I would have felt alone anyway.

And it's not because I'm over culture shock, or because I'm getting used to things, or anything having to do with me, really.

It's because of One who walks with me. Sometimes I don't feel Him there because I don't allow myself to be completely broken and open at his feet. But when I admit that I am nothing, that I can do nothing, that I don't have anything He hasn't given me, and that I will give up everything that I might gain Him...it's then that my cup overflows. My love for people does not come from me; it comes from Him. My love for life does not come from me; it comes from Him. My love for Him doesn't even come from me, but from Him.

Last night, I sang to Him by myself with just as full a heart as I did two months ago with brothers and sisters. I humbled myself before Him and before the people around me. I realized that it's not about me looking competent; in fact, it's about me looking completely foolish. If He is the King, then I am the court jester, living only to please him even if I look foolish to everyone else, unworthy to even lay at His feet.

But then He tenderly washes mine and calls them beautiful.

Other Moments

I enjoy sharing funny and inspiring stories about living in a foreign country. They're fun to tell, and more importantly, fun to live.

But then there are other moments.

I've been struggling a little bit lately with all the new things here. Things I'm not used to. I usually have an adventurous spirit and I'm always up for trying new things and being uncomfortable, but I will admit I actually struggle to leave the apartment at times.

First of all, I'm living by myself. Walking to class by myself. Sometimes eating by myself off in a dark corner of campus, just to get a moment of not being stared at, pointed at, or laughed at. Even babies in strollers have pointed at me, mouths gaping, because they recognize that I'm "different."

I feel so helpless. I have to go to multiple stores around town just to get basic sandwich fixings. Currently my refrigerator contains 1 kiwi, 1 half avocado, some ham, cheese, and a couple of uncooked eggs. And then when I do cook those eggs, I must do it on a gas stove...and I still haven't figured out how to hard-boil them just right. Also, I'd never had to peel two completely black layers off a grilled cheese sandwich until recently.

You know, the last time I came here, it was with 6 other crazy Americans. We stood out together, made cultural and language mistakes together, and tried new things together.

It's much different doing it by yourself.

How humbling is it when you can't even say what kind of meat you want in your dumplings? How frustrating it is when you know you've already learned the word, but of course you can't think of it in just the moment you need it. And then when I manage to stammer out a few awkward phrases in the language and I'm hoping to be told "good job," instead I am immediately corrected at such a fast pace that I can't understand a word they are saying.

I know I should just sit with random people at lunch, make goofy mistakes, and laugh at myself. But sometimes, that's much easier said than done.

Sometimes, I just want to speak English.
Sometimes, I just want for no one to stare at me like I just stepped out of a UFO.
Sometimes, I just wish I was back in Austin with that Starbucks right down the street.
Sometimes, I just want to not be humbled constantly.

And then I walk the 35 minutes back to the apartment, by myself, fighting back tears and secretly hating the loud honking cars and pedestrian-homing-missile bicycles that I have to dodge just to get across the road, with a bag of dumplings in one hand and a bilingual dictionary in the other, and fling my stuff down and cry and pray and sing out to the One who fully understands English, who would even understand nonsense words were I to utter them.

In some moments, that's the best you can do.

A Different Answer

Saturday night, I was swarmed by countless eager little faces, all being pushed forward by proud mothers to speak to the foreigner and show off their newly-acquired English skills.

That's right, I visited an English Corner downtown. It's rare that they have a "real foreigner" in the mix; they usually just practice English with each other. So I received tons of questions:

"Do you have an iPhone? an iPad?"
"Have you seen Transformers?" "...Why not?"
"Do you like to play sport? What is your favorite?"
"Do you like the food here?"
"Can I have your phone number?"
"What do you think of the protests on Wall Street?" (okay, I was a little taken aback by that one)

and finally...

"What is your favorite festival? Christmas, right, because you are a Christian?"
"What do you do on Christmas?"

Well, we open presents, eat, maybe drink hot chocolate, spend time with family....

"How do Christians celebrate Christmas?

Uhhh...the same, except we might go to church and pray before we eat our meal.


Right then, I wished I could give a different answer and still be honest.


[AC] Promo 2011 from Advent Conspiracy on Vimeo.