He will still love you.

"we love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving - it doesn't matter,
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times,
Come, come again, come.

O to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Oh what a scandalous love God has shown us. "God is not proud. He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him." - C.S. Lewis

That the sinner, deep in his heart, should never love God of his own volition is a fact. We can never love God or love purity and goodness simply by willing ourselves to do so. We love to fool ourselves, thinking we can love well, thinking we can be good enough for Him on our own...but we will always fail.

Even when I began to follow Him, it was because I wanted Him to stop my pain, not because I wanted to be holy. I wanted to be liberated from depression and anger and loneliness, not from slavery to self.

And this is where His love comes in.

This is where He whispers, this is where He woos.

This is where He comes to us in our deepest fears, in our deepest heartache, when we are confronted with all the crooked places in our hearts, and asks, "Will you let me love you? Will you let me restore you? Will you let me call you my daughter?"

And though we say no, He will still ask a thousand times.
He is a constant lover, who never gives up.

Because He knows that death to self, true repentance and new life, is the only way we can get all the other things our hearts seek. It is the only way we can be truly free, truly alive. It is DIFFICULT, yes. But it is WORTH IT. So difficult, and so worth it, in fact, that He is the only one who can do it.

Gently, gently, we are led to repentance. We can never change by ourselves; if that were the demand, if we who love darkness were to FIRST genuinely love the light to receive it, who then could be saved?

No one.

And that's what makes His love so scandalous.

Ridiculous, even.

He was ridiculed on the cross, and He continues to be ridiculed today.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't love us AFTER we change...He loves us BEFORE.

He loves us while we still hate Him, while we're slandering Him, mocking Him, joking about Him in a bar and then crying to Him from our beds that same night.

He loves us in the middle of our hypocrisy, when we're confronted with the emptiness of our lives while knowing full well how we should be spending them.

He loves even the loveless places in our heart that would make everyone else hate us and turn away, were they to view them.

Even if you never surrender to His love your entire life and curse Him on your death bed, He will still love you.

Even if you turn away and follow your own will, your own way, and walk the wide path of destruction, He will still love you.

Even if you scream at him, angry about your life, about a friend's betrayal, about a tragedy in the family, about the atrocities committed to the helpless around the world,
He will still love you (and He will still love them).

And this love, it is not just a feeling
(though He does dance and sing over you, and angels rejoice because of you; like I said, He is not proud. He is not afraid to show His love).
True Love is not a feeling anyway.
He does not stand on high smiling warmly and thinking good thoughts about you, wishing you well. Prosperity! Happiness! Go in peace!

No.

He will not only lift a finger, He will lift mountains and turn the world upside down to rescue you.

He has hands and feet.

He has a Body.

And His power is beyond all imagining.
It can create planets, it can form humans, it can raise the dead, it can mend the heart, it can cause kings to fall, it can cast out demons, it can heal diseases, it can (will) restore this planet,
And it can change you.

Forever.

Oh, a forever love...isn't that what we all desire? If I could be loved forever, by the Only One who has power to even make my life worth living...what more could I need? What more could I ever want?

When your hair begins to turn gray, and you cry as you look at your deepening wrinkles in the mirror and feel how un-beautiful you are next to younger women,
He will still love you. Cherish you even. Call you beloved, the apple of his eye.

When you have been in a foreign country and haven't worn make-up in ages and feel too fat and too tall and too weird, or like you always have to hide from the stares and whistles that follow you everywhere,
He will still adore you.

When you return home and cry because you want to go back to that other country, because you left a piece of your heart there,
He will still love you.

When no one else understands your feelings or experiences,
He will still understand you.

When you are addicted to something and have tried everything in your own power to fight it, when you have deluded yourself about the magnitude of your own power and self-control,
He will still love you...and yes, even heal you.

When you run, He will pursue.

When you cry, He will hold.

When you scream, He will whisper.

When you are hurt, He will rise in power.

When you are lost, He will find.

Still. Still. Though you break your promise a thousand times, though you wander, though to all others you are a lost cause,
Still.

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power 
through His spirit 
in your inner being,
so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.
And I pray that you,
being rooted and established in love,
will have power, together with all God's holy people,
to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the
fullness
of God.

The Least of These

"Again this Christmas babies will be born in ramshackle homes. Herod will not try to kill them, but their drinking water will. Again Jesus will turn our hearts to children. We who still hear angels will journey to see Christ in the least of these. Our camels traded for drill rigs, we will bear the gift of life: clean drinking water, offered in Jesus’ name. Mothers will treasure these things in their hearts. This is full worship."

- Living Water International's Advent Conspiracy

Beautiful paragraph. Since I'm not building a well, I'm trying to figure out what full worship looks like for me this season and always. Who are my "least of these"? I can always give money, but how can I give of myself? This is what I am pondering. Right towards the end of my time in Austin, I began talking with homeless people more and seeking them out. Not necessarily by giving money, but by giving my time. Listening to them. Seeking to understand them.

Now I find myself in a place in which I cannot communicate with the homeless people. I am surrounded by "the least of these," at least compared to American standards - people who live in garages, people without water heaters or space heaters, people who wear the same clothes almost everyday, homeless people, mentally ill people who have not received proper care. But they can't even speak the national language correctly, much less English. So I wonder, how on earth can I show love to them?

I saw this man on a street downtown the other day. I was actually a little scared. Here's the thing: we romanticize giving to the least of these. We like to think everyone who is poor is sweet and grateful and just such a wonderful person if only we knew them. But some of them aren't. A lot of them are mentally ill, or they don't trust anyone and will steal from you because that's all they know how to do, or they are not good-looking, or they smell bad.

I think this man downtown was mentally ill. As I stood there struggling inwardly as this man sang loudly off-key with a bucket full of money in front of him while a crowd gathered round, I thought, I wish I were Paul. I wish I were Peter. If I were, I could go up to him, lay hands on him and say "Be healed" or "Come out of him" in Jesus' name and immediately he would get up, the hair would stop growing in funny places, and he would be sane. Of course, I know the same power that lived in them lives in me, but I often don't really believe that in my heart.

This is just one example of the many times I have struggled with how to love the least of these. I don't really have any solution or resolution to this, but it's something I continue to pray and seek Father about. Not that these two acts are unimportant, but are praying and giving money really all I can do? Is that what people in Acts did? Is that what Father has called me to do?

It's humbling to realize that, to many people here, I could be considered one of "the least of these." I am an alien. I don't speak the language well yet. As much as I've learned about the culture, I'm still pretty ignorant. I need help from a friend with something as simple as exchanging something at a store or taking a trip to the police station.

And this is when I realize that, as sinful people, as sheep without a shepherd (or sheep who know the Shepherd but often struggle to follow him), we are all the least of these. We in our pride like to think that "the least of these" are always other people - the starving children, or the mentally ill homeless men - but I don't think we can even begin to relate to them or understand them this season unless we recognize our own poverty before Father. I am no one's savior; I am the one in need of rescuing, the one in need of help, the one in need of mercy, time and time again.

Listen.

            Listening to people’s stories is so important. It has been one of our themes at the Baptist Student Ministry this year, and it’s also been a theme of my life. Some wonder how on earth we can connect with those who are radically different from us, and the answer is to simply listen. No one will ever object to someone who is genuinely interested in his or her life experiences, no matter how different that listener may be.

There is abundant joy in connecting with those who are different from us. A lot of us miss personal growth and adventure in our lives because we are too afraid to talk with someone who is from another country, or who is too rich, too poor, of a different faith, or of a different color. This is why I love hanging out with international students so much. I learn so much from them – about their culture, about myself, and about life. But one people group I have struggled with is the one that walks the streets each day, the one without homes. Yesterday there was a block party held for street youth outside the Co-op, and I was almost too afraid to go. I have been praying for the poor in west campus for a while. It pains me to walk past them and go about my own business while they are overlooked…I know just doling out money isn’t the answer, and yet I haven’t known how else to proceed. I always feel guilty around them because I have so much and they seem to have so little (and I don’t mean only possessions). I knew this block party, though, was a way God would grow me and a way he would answer my prayers.

Now, here’s the thing. I love going to Church Under the Bridge and hanging out with the homeless and working poor there. But when I’m walking by on the drag, they treat me differently, calling out for money and sometimes hurling insults when I don’t respond. I think they assume that I would never actually love them because they’ve been conditioned to believe they are unwanted by mostly everyone, often even their own families. I try not to be annoyed because I know any anger just comes from an unfulfilled need for love. And these may be some of the same people who will have deep conversations about life experiences and spirituality with me at Church Under the Bridge. What’s the difference? At Church Under the Bridge, they know I desire a connection with them, because otherwise I wouldn’t be there. In addition, we are caring for their physical needs by providing food and hygiene kits, so they find it easier to believe we are interested in their emotional and spiritual needs. But on the drag, I could be just another selfish college student walking by, concerned only with my dreams and getting what I “deserve” out of life.

However, when I am in a situation that allows me to bridge that barrier and show the love of Christ, or when I take action to create that kind of situation, I love talking with the homeless and poor. They are often incredibly interesting because they have the most extravagant, wonderful dreams. And there is such strength that comes from being homeless. As my new friend Shorty told me, “If I know I can make it when I have no job, when I have nothing, then I know I’ll be able to make it when I do have a job.” He was laid off from the military after participating in Operation Desert Storm and going to Afghanistan. Since then, he hasn’t been able to find work, but he maintains the joy that comes from living in Christ and helping others. That’s another amazing thing. Many of these homeless and working poor volunteer to help each other out. They volunteer with many of the ministries that have helped them out continually in the past, and they desire to help their fellow street-dwellers once they have the means to do so.

Samantha ran away from home and was taken in with love by a couple of churches here in Austin. She has befriended some UT students who give her rides where she needs to go, especially when the buses stop running. She been working to get back on her feet, and her dream is to be a veterinary technician and help animals on the streets. My other new friend Samantha has lived in San Antonio and San Marcos, has attended trade school, but couldn’t find a job after she left on medical leave and has therefore been on the streets for two months. However, God provides for us in our times of need, and he has blessed her with a fiancé who graduated from that same trade school. Together they are trying to get back on their feet. Samantha dreams of one day operating a taxi business that gives the homeless free rides when the buses stop running.

Rahn volunteers a lot with Church Under the Bridge, which I’ve already attended a few times, and he brews something called Rahn’s Health TreaT that he believes has cured many people of “incurable” diseases. When I mentioned that I’ve recently started drinking kombucha, he said his drink is like kombucha (fermented tea and fruit) taken to the next level. Soon, he says, his drink will be featured on The Ellen Show and Oprah. He has used his creativity and inventiveness to start his own business and to help others. One thing that really stuck out to me was that even when he had just barely gotten enough money to get his own home, he began inviting his homeless and poor friends in to share meals with him.

Then there is Susan, who has a pet rat named Pie. Pie is white and likes to fall asleep on my arm when I hold her. You can often see Susan walking around west campus with Pie on her shoulder. She has published a book about her past and hopes to earn a living from that enterprise.

I don’t mean to make it sound like all these people are perfect; as with all of us, there is some beauty and some ugliness. There is a lot of stealing, and therefore a lot of hurt, within the community itself. Rahn left his jar of health tea unattended for just a minute and looked up just in time to see a girl trying to make off with it. Shorty rides his bicycle a few hours out into the country everyday and camps out there so that no one will be around to steal his things. There’s also, of course, a lot of distrust of those who are wealthier. Even after talking with someone for an hour, it’s still sometimes difficult for me to tell if this person would even really consider me a friend or thinks I am just too different from them. If they see me again walking down the drag, will they just call out for money and forget that we once shared a meal together? But you have to look in the middle of all the brokenness and see the good things. The reason many of these people steal is that they don’t know what it’s like to be a good steward of their possessions and to take pride in the things they own. They have never owned enough to develop that mentality, or they have seen such a negative mentality modeled by their families and have naturally followed them. We have to encourage and love people even in the middle of flaws.

By listening to them, I feel that I can overcome fears and bridge barriers. Something that is encouraging to me, that gives me a small glimpse of heaven, is that these people all have stories of how the church has been for them when no one else was, how vibrant limbs in the living body of Jesus (read: people like us) have picked them up. The church is truly the Church when it gets its feet in the mud and plunges its hands into the dirt just to lift one soul out of it, not caring how dirty its hands get but only that a person is saved. Being in the middle of an American church that’s gotten a bad reputation of being materialistic and simply bolstering the status quo, I have to say that it’s in the small, overlooked communities like the street youth that you will find the Kingdom of God. My friend Shorty looks forward to the new heaven and the new earth, when there will be no more wanting and no more disparity of wealth. One will not starve while another feasts, and no person’s story will be less valuable than another’s.