I don't think that God's grading me on how well I understand election vs. free will, or how well I can explain the genocides in the Old Testament, or any of the other burdens other men try to put on my back so I can prove myself a real Christian, someone who fits the mold and isn't heretical.
I think, perhaps, He really means what he says: that he freely gives love and grace through his perfect and precious son Jesus - love and grace that I have accepted with all my heart. Love and grace that I still must remind myself to accept every morning when I wake up, lest I fall back into slavery to what others think of me and what culture tells me to do.
I think, perhaps, He desires with all His heart that I love Him and love His people, rather than that I understand Him perfectly and explain Him without contradiction to others.
After all, "his ways are beyond searching out," right? Doesn't he sit enthroned above the earth? Isn't it foolish to think I can ever understand all his ways or explain away everything He does so that He never angers me, never terrifies me, never awes me, never confuses me?
I think it's impossible to ever get to that point, where I can understand God well enough that I can point a finger at others and say without a doubt that THEY'RE WRONG. May I never, ever be one of those "ministers of the gospel" who smiles smugly and self-assuredly while others walk away confused and lonely. I ask that instead I'm the one who prays with them and puts a blanket around their shoulders. I may not understand, but I love you, and I know that He does too.
However,
One thing I think is perfectly possible,
and that the Word agrees is perfectly possible,
is to tell of the Jesus I know and love intimately,
to tell what He has done for me,
what He has done for others,
what He has done for the world.
I can tell of the new life He gives.
I can tell of His healing power, both physically and spiritually.
I can talk about how I continue to struggle with things all the time, dark things like depression and loneliness and feelings of unworthiness
(not unlike the writer of the Psalms),
and how,
while He hasn't completely cured me of those things,
He holds me and walks me through those times,
step by step,
never leaving, even though He may be the only one who walks beside me.
I can tell of how I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
(how you are fearfully [with great care] and wonderfully made),
even though sometimes I look at myself and wonder why he saw fit to make me,
why I'm here,
what I'm doing,
where I'm going.
I can still say, "I believe You when You say I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Though my heart doesn't agree right now, and my head doesn't know where I'm headed, I know in my soul that You have a purpose for my life."
I can't explain all His ways,
But I can say those things.
I can believe Him.
I can do that.
