Yesterday, for the billionth time, someone annoyed me. Someone stepped out of their place and said things they shouldn't say. Someone dared to insult me, to make me feel uncomfortable, to treat me as lower than them. And I deserve special treatment, right? Because I'm a foreigner, because this isn't my first language, because I'm older than them, because I'm a girl...whatever, I can always come up with some reason.
And I let him know he annoyed me too. I didn't care one bit that my putting him in his place was completely counter-cultural (in fact, the horrible, rebellious, prideful side of me rather enjoyed that fact). In the moment that I was seeing red, it didn't matter. I had no desire to even try to follow Jesus, no desire to even try to act like him. In that moment my desire was completely to act on the rage/wounds that had built up inside me. I didn't care how I looked to others, didn't care if this guy knew any of my friends...I just had to stand up for myself.
Later, I told God, Okay God, I know that wasn't right, but did you see what he said? How dare he, right? I know it was sin on my part, but it was understandable sin. It was in response to another sin.
But whatever I might have said to justify myself, my heart still knew it was wrong. I am the world's worst at turning the other cheek. If someone insults me or wounds my pride or says I'm wrong when I'm right, of course I have to let them know it. It's completely understandable. It's what the world says I should do.
It's in those moments that I realize how not conformed to Christ I am. How, even though I generally desire to follow Him, in those brief moments of anger I only have a desire to follow myself.
Later, as I sat at the table thoughtfully peeling an orange, the dog I'm watching trotted in. As soon as I started peeling it, I knew the fragrance would waft through the house, and she would have no choice. It was only a matter of time; she would have to run in. She began begging in the most pitiful voice, even tapping me with her paw to let me know she was there, as if I didn't already know. No dignity. She would do anything to get a piece of that orange.
I realized that I am as much a slave to these "understandable sins" as the dog is to that orange.
I obey my fleshly desires just as reflexively and helplessly as she obeys her nose. What can be done? It's the way we're wired, right? She as a dog is wired to act on that nose, to do anything for food, and I as a human am wired to do anything to satisfy my own desires.
Then as I threw a couple slices to the dog (she gobbled them up and was back to begging as pathetically as if I had never given her any orange slices...there are definitely more parallels there), my thoughts turned from her to a medical problem I've had. Six months, many doctors, many medicines. The severity comes and goes, but it's always there. I saw another parallel between that problem and these respectable sins, like what we like to call "justifiable anger."
Wouldn't it be ridiculous if I just let this ailment go on without at least trying to treat it? The treatments aren't working perfectly, granted...but what if I just completely let it go?
I even tried that for a bit, in fact, and trust me...it was complete misery.
You can't let a huge, persistent problem like that go untreated. Especially when it so deeply affects your all-around quality of life and infiltrates every moment, reminding you that you're unwell. You wouldn't let a non-life-threatening ailment go completely untreated and justify it by saying that at least it isn't cancer.
And yet that's what I do with my "understandable, respectable, justifiable" sins.
I just patch over them after the fact, reasoning that everyone around me when I made that nasty comment or lost my temper at that car that honked too much or yelled at that guy who was rude to me must have surely been on my side, right? Everyone must have seen that what I did was okay. God must have even given me an understanding pat on the shoulder and a knowing wink, right? And so I just let the problems go on untreated. Oh, sure, at first they may be no big deal, and everyone may understand why I made that snarky comment, but what happens when it gets worse and worse, and before I know it I have absolutely no control over my tongue?
I'm no better than the dog. My tongue owns me the same as her nose owns her.
"What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.
For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:15-23
Not gonna lie, the phrase "slaves to righteousness" didn't used to be one of my favorites. I pictured a monk or a nun living a life of self-denial, no laughter, going to bed at 8pm, a boring life, if I can be quite honest. I ran away from that picture. But now...I want so badly to be a slave of righteousness! I realize so fully the implications of my slavery to sin. I have been released from so much, but Jesus wants to release me from so much more. When sin is my master, I am helpless against the awful things that want to spring out of my mouth. I am helpless against things like self-condemnation and jealousy. My own thoughts devour me. Continuing in slavery to sin, when you have already been purchased for Christ and marked for sanctification, is so painful. It's like trying to serve two masters. Now I think my increased understanding of slavery to sin helps me understand the true beauty of what slavery to righteousness would be. Currently, awful thoughts take root in my head, horrible words come out of my mouth before I can stop them, and anger clenches my heart so forcefully that I lose the will to pry its fingers away. If I were a slave to righteousness, my allegiance and vivid vision of Christ before me would not allow me to say horrible words even if they were on the tip of my tongue. Evil thoughts would be forced to die no matter how much my flesh wanted them to take root. Mercy would come out of my mouth before anger would even have a chance. Oh how wonderful that would be!
I must present myself to him as a slave - nothing else. Anything other than a slave means that I still retain the right to tell him, "Oh, but that sin was justified, right? You understand. I mean, we can't turn the other cheek all the time, right? That's just impractical. We have to stand up for ourselves or people will run all over us." These kinds of things. But if I am a slave, I have no right to stand up for my sin, to justify it - and hopefully, as I get in the habit, not even a desire to do so. I would so much rather be his slave than my sin's slave! My sin does not have my best interests at heart. My sin will not make me into the person that I need to become. As the book of James says, "The anger of man does not bring about the righteousness of God." There is no way that I will attain to his full righteousness if I still allow angry thoughts to take root.
Pure obedience from the heart - this is what I desire. A heart that, instead of forgetting Jesus in that moment of seeing red, will see him all the more clearly on the cross. I pray that, instead of losing my temper or patience and then immediately repenting, my repentance will take place before the anger even has a chance to come out. I will see him there on the cross and feel remorse at the idea that I was even thinking of nailing him once again. That rather than seeing the person who is annoying/insulting/whatevering me standing before me, I will only see my Savior, the one who was pierced for all my willful sins, pierced for all the moments I conveniently forget I belong to Him.
We are slaves of what we obey. I don't want to bend my will to that which destroys my soul. I want to gladly offer myself as a slave of the only One who can offer true freedom.
