I haven't written in this space in a while.
Probably because there has simply been too much to write!
I've moved back from Asia, and life has been whirlwind since then. My pace of life has accelerated drastically. I've been traveling a lot for my job, getting to meet a lot of incredible students and see some wonderful places. I am so blessed to be based in Austin, where there are still so many people from my days at UT, and where it's okay to be a little weird.
I've really had the easiest transition one could ask for. I've been staying so busy that I haven't really had much time for culture stress or most of the things one usually experiences upon returning to one's home country. Although I miss my friends on the other side of the ocean and pray for them almost daily, thinking of them is more of a sweet than a bitter ache. I love them even as I love the people who surround me now, and I am at peace with the fact that Father has not designed me to be in two places at once. I am perhaps even more at peace because I know He is still over there, and the One whose eye is on the sparrow is caring for all my friends, wherever they may be in the world. I have returned to the very support network that lovingly sent me out. I am surrounded by incredible Chinese friends who patiently listen to me talk in my worse-by-the-day Mandarin and who cook delicious food for me. Jim Elliot famously said, "Wherever you are, be all there." I am blessed that the Lord has enabled me to be all here, for now, just as He enabled me to be "all there" the past two years.
But one consistent problem has been my health.
I've struggled with immune system issues for over a year now. I have tried many kinds of Western and even Chinese medicine and seen multiple doctors. Everything helps a little; nothing completely heals. I had hoped that when I got back to my home country, I would be magically cured, by the climate, the environment, new medicine, whatever. But that didn't happen. The most heartbreaking part is the yo-yo-ing: I will think I am almost healed, see the light at the end of the tunnel, and then suddenly I will have a relapse. Two steps forward, three steps back. This has happened every time I have tried a new treatment that I thought would finally do the trick. Now I am trying a new method of healing that involves drastic dietary changes (no sugar or gluten) and many concentrated whole foods supplements (no synthetic vitamins, y'all - those are bad news). Though I have had setbacks even with this method, such as unintentionally losing 10 pounds, I have improved a lot. I have even experienced positive and unexpected side effects like more stable mood and increased energy. But more about all my recent nutrition/health discoveries another day.
Many people have prayed and are praying for me. And I am so, so thankful for them/you. It is definitely a testing time when you serve a God who can heal instantly, who holds all the power in the universe, and you have to come to grips with the fact that, for whatever reason, He has chosen not to heal you right now. Especially when you feel you've done all you can do.
It's hard to realize that, for whatever reason, in His goodness he has allowed me to endure this. He is so loving, so good, has such an incredible plan for my life, that as crazy as it may seem to my human eyes, He is blessing me with this extended trial.
That's right, I said blessing.
Because God is good, because He is perfect, it is an absolute impossibility that even the bad things that happen could be anything less than His best for me. It is absolutely impossible that my trials will not turn out for His glory and my good. He sits as a refiner of silver, watching the fire carefully to make sure His treasure comes out strong and shining. He does not look away for one second, nor does His hand waver. He will heal me at exactly the right time, for exactly the right reason. And He will teach me exactly what He needs to teach me in the meantime - no more, no less.
I will never forget a story in a book called The Hiding Place in which Corrie ten Boom and her sister Betsie are put in a concentration camp for aiding the Jewish people. While there, sleeping at night after a grueling day is a near impossibility because their beds are swarming with itching, biting fleas. Their misery is incomprehensible, and yet Betsie tells Corrie they must thank God for the fleas. Of course Corrie can't believe her sister is even saying that, but she goes ahead and thanks God anyway.
Little by little, they begin reading the Bible with ladies in the concentration camp (how it got through the Nazis, who confiscated everything they owned, is another miraculous story). Catholics, Protestants, nonbelievers, all come together to read that beautiful Book of Life. It gives them hope when all other hope seems lost. The guards don't approve, of course, but they will never cross the threshold to make them stop.
Why?
Because the guards don't want to get bitten by the fleas.
And so the fleas are the very means of God's grace through which His Light is able to penetrate one of the darkest places on earth.
Because of that story, I remember in every trial to not lose heart and to trust that my struggle may even be the very means of God's grace to me. I can't see it yet, of course. In fact, I may not ever understand why. But I trust. And I persevere, knowing that every trial I have focuses my heart less on the here and now and more on what is to come. Less on storing up treasures on earth, and more on storing up treasures in Heaven. Less on the perishable body, and more on the imperishable one. What is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. And every trial, whether small or large, enables me to empathize with someone else who is suffering but who may not know that our true Hope is not of this world.
The best way to prevent completely breaking down under the burden you are currently called to bear is to thank God for it. Though your gratitude may be shaky and feeble, though you may not actually feel it to be true, say it anyway. Thank God that He sees something you cannot see.
To read the full "fleas" story, click here.
