My "Spiritual Birthday"

I was going through old journals in my closet just now, sifting through things to throw out and keep. I began reading an old journal that I was required to keep for English class in eighth grade. The run-on sentences are embarrassing, I gotta be honest, and it was clear that I wasn't even trying.

That journal took me back to a different time and a different person, one who had little passion for school and yet a desire to prove her intelligence. One who was angry, sad, or confused all the time and yet didn't want to be. One who was angry at the state of the world and dreamed of changing it, yet only had the strength to spend hours playing computer games to escape it. These things had especially defined my life in sixth grade (oh early female adolescence, I do not miss you). I wasn't doing very well emotionally, spiritually, or academically, so I was supposed to live in Gail for only one year so I could get "straightened out." However, when that year was up and I went back to Jacksonville to continue my life, it just didn't feel right. I made a pro's and con's list of Jacksonville vs. Gail, talked to friends and family constantly, prayed...and finally asked Mom and Dad if I could return. They let me (which I realize now could have only been motivated by the truest kind of love in existence - when parents love their kids enough to let them go if that's what's best for them).

But when I got back to Gail, some things had changed. At the age of 13, I had just made a decision that would define the next 5 years (and, as it turned out, 9 years because I went to a Texas university) of my life, and I was afraid I'd gotten everything wrong. Those were some of the most painful months I have ever experienced to this day, that fall semester of 8th grade. And today I read a journal that honestly embarrassed me, and not just because of grammatical issues, until I got to this entry in which we were asked to share the best part of our life right now:

9/26/2002

The best part of my life right now is my newfound trust in Jesus, that he will help me through some rough things that are going on in my life right now. It just makes me feel so happy to wake up everyday and know that he will take care of me and that no matter how bad things are, there's a reason that they're happening, a reason so great I could never even imagine what it is. That helps me stay happy through the good and the bad.


Even though just a month earlier I'd made a decision that I thought was life-changing, this moment was the one that was truly life-changing. I didn't understand much at that point (even though I'd known all the Bible stories from a young age), I still had very little fruit of the Spirit in my life, and a lot of what I thought the Bible taught was misguided...but I understood the most important things, that Jesus loved me enough to have a perfect plan for my life if I would only trust him. That he was my savior, king, confidante, and guide...that he was the only way to Truth. This day wasn't the only turning point; each day is a turning point. Each day I am being saved from my sins and my flesh that wages war on my soul; each day I am being protected from a very real enemy and a very cruel world by nothing less than the one true God. But I'm glad to be reminded of when it really began, this beautiful passionate journey of living for Jesus and receiving the abundant life.