The Question Mark

 When he comes, he will explain everything to us.

John 4:25 

The Old Testament ended with a big question mark.

Israel's history left scars on her people, wounds on her faith.

Had God abandoned his people?

Could He really be trusted to keep His promises?

Had Israel lost His love forever with her faithlessness and disobedience?

Where was the true place to worship, and could the gap between the Jews and Samaritans ever be bridged? Could the feuding groups ever be reconciled? 

But God's people still lived with the hope that when the Messiah finally appeared, He would explain everything to them.

Why, God, why?

Why did we go into exile? Why did you allow your people to be disgraced, to be despised? Why did you allow your great Name to be trampled by nations that did not love you, did not worship you? How could this ever have happened? Where is the true temple, the glorious future that we were promised? When will we be vindicated?

In her one simple statement, this woman at the well boiled down hundreds of years of the people's questioning - Where is God?

The woman had her own scarred history. She'd had multiple husbands and was not married to the man she currently "had."

Will this man finally love me? Will this one help me feel like I have a place? Will this one treat me kindly and not abuse me? 

...Well, my name is already in the mud. No point marrying this one - he'll probably just leave anyway, and no more trying to keep up this charade of being a "respectable" lady. 

I already have to go out in public at noon, when it's too hot for anyone else. 

I can't go when all the other women are there, who haven't messed up their lives, who haven't ruined themselves. 

But when the Messiah comes...maybe he can do something. Maybe he can help, somehow.

We are living in times of the question mark. 

The church has in a very real sense been grafted into Israel. We are the people of God, the children of promise. And yet.

God's people look upon a violent world that seems to have lost its compass. Jesus, Savior, pilot me, over life's tempestuous sea. Jesus, Savior, pilot our world.

A world in which in which hate and anger seem to keep winning, in which the most vulnerable are exploited by the wealthy who don't even have to think about what they're doing, don't even have to see them, because they are hidden away in places like factories, making that new iPhone we simply must have and the clothes we wear every day.

We are living in a digital age in which people can turn into monsters, and it's okay because that person they're insulting is just "online" - as far as they're concerned, they don't have a face, a family, a history, a heart. A smartphone is more interesting than a human face, anyway, right?

In the age of Facebook, our neighbors seem Faceless. So much information, so little humanity.

And yet.

Jesus is a personal God.

He is a Person, not a force.

He is a Person, not an idea.

He does not teach the way, the truth, and the life, He IS the Way, the Truth, and the Life. To know Him is Eternal Life.

He holds the keys to understanding the currents of time. Without Him, we "beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past," as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote. We are hamsters racing frantically on a wheel to nowhere.

But with Him, we have a glorious destiny, a future hope that will not be cut off.

In these times of the question mark, we introduce people to the only One who can explain everything. We commune with the only One who holds the answers. We live in his Kingdom even now as we look ahead with wonder to the New Jerusalem. 

How often, in your life, do you think, "When he comes, he will explain everything to me?" 

Life will never entirely make sense this side of eternity. Though He will give us precious glimpses that reveal His providential hand, we only see pieces of the puzzle while He has already knit the entire picture together.

On our side, we see loose ends. Unfulfilled promises. Unmet expectations. Deferred dreams. Unreconciled relationships. Hopeful beginnings that ended in heartbreak. People making promises and breaking them, time and time again.

In eternity, we see completeness. We see fulfillment. We see everything come full circle - 

Creation > Fall > Redemption

And it ends in Redemption, never to fall again.

"When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

Believer, in a sense, you are waiting, just like the Jews and Samaritans were. You are living in the Spirit, yes. You have the abundant life. You are an heir of his promises, a child of his Kingdom.

But when things here don't make sense, when you wonder, "How long, O Lord?"...

Remember that, from His viewpoint, the puzzle pieces all fit.

Every ugly part of the tapestry, when sewn into the whole, speaks of His glory, His truth, and His love.

And there's a place where you fit in - you, with all your struggles, triumphs, doubts, fears, and faith. Just like Israel, like the Samaritans, like the Woman at the Well.

"Come, see the man who told me everything I ever did."

Even once the woman realized she was speaking to the One who knew all the answers, what did she rejoice in?

She rejoiced in the fact that He knew her.

While she sought answers, He sought her.

She forgot all the other answers she was seeking because here, finally, was Someone who knew everything about her - and loved her anyway. Behold the Man who knows everything you ever did. Behold Him when you can see little else clearly.

You may never know the answer to your question mark, but you can know the One who holds it.

You may not be able to see the whole tapestry now, but you can know the Weaver.

In the book of Ecclesiastes, the Teacher calls life "hevel" all throughout the book. This word is often translated "meaningless" in modern versions, but its literal meaning is more like smoke, a vapor.

Like smoke, life is beautiful and mysterious. You can create it, but you can't control the shape it takes.

Before you know it, it takes a new form.

Before you know it, it's gone.

And when you're in the middle of it, you can't see clearly.

So the Teacher isn't saying that life has no meaning, but rather that its meaning isn't clear.

At least not to us.

But God sees the hevel clearly. He sees it take shape and even somehow, mysteriously, forms it. Not only your individual life, but all of human history.

You can trust His promises. You can trust Him.

Jesus can be trusted with Your question mark.

Returning to Egypt

When the Lord has brought us out of some place of slavery and into a wide, spacious place, we look at the vast expanse and sometimes tremble in fear rather than dance in freedom.

If we fully trust the Lord, we throw our heads back, laugh, and run around, saying, "I knew You would pull me through, Lord!" We feel comfortable in our new home.

However, if we're not sure we can truly trust the One who has brought us here, if we are not sure we truly know Him or can trust His Word, we often yearn for our old place of slavery. At least that was familiar, we knew how to behave, the daily patterns were well-worn. Here, we hardly know what to do or who we are.

When Yahweh brought Israel into the Promised Land, they still had a mindset of slavery. They were "destroyed for lack of knowledge" (Hosea 4:6). I've been learning in a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild how the "knowledge" they lacked was the Hebrew word "yada," a word for intimate knowledge - not just knowing who God is, but truly knowing Him - His ins and outs, His character, the kind of God He is.

 Israel did not realize all she had in the One True God, did not realize He was the One who had delivered her, her Provider, who "gave her the grain, the new wine and the oil, and lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal" (Hosea 2:8). They took what the Lord had lavished upon them and offered it back to idols because of their lack of knowledge of Who had truly delivered them. They didn't believe He was as good as He said He was.

So Israel left the Lord and formed alliances with the very people who had been her oppressors - Egypt, which had enslaved them, and Assyria, which had brutally attacked them.

So often, when the Lord delivers us from some form of slavery - destructive thought patterns, an unhealthy relationship, a stronghold in our lives - we don't know what to do with the newfound freedom, so we run as quick as we can back to the thing that enslaved us. We trust that dark place, that false master, more than we trust the Good Shepherd who delivered us.

Why?

Because living in the light is unfamiliar.

Living in peace, in hope, in trust, in faith that believes what we cannot see, is uncharted territory. And so, like Israel, as she is described in both Hosea and also throughout many other Old Testament books such as Numbers, we long to return to our oppressor, to our attacker. We run after other lovers, who will betray and beat us in a heartbeat.

The Lord has already delivered you, and He has brought you into a wide and spacious place if you trust in Him; truly the boundary lines have fallen for you in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6). You have been made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10). You lack nothing and have been given the power to trample over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19). These promises are true for all disciples of Christ!

We have no power to break the New Covenant, to negate God's promises of deliverance toward us, to nullify His goodness or faithfulness. The promises are all His to keep and ours to gratefully and joyfully receive.

We can, however, put ourselves back under old masters. We can choose any given day to believe what Satan says about us over what God says about us. As Pastor Bill Johnson loves to say, "There are always two trees in the garden."

Today, we have the power to choose Life over unbelief.

You don't have to plead for power over the enemy; you already have it.

You don't have to plead for deliverance from those who would seek to harm you; you already have victory in Christ.

We have everything we need for life and godliness (1 Peter 1:3). Don't return to Egypt, to your place of slavery. It's never too late to return to the God who already "yada" knows you - intimately, inside out, every need, wish, and desire.

Though you may have turned around yesterday and started walking back toward Egypt, though you may have started forming alliances even in your Promised Land with those who would seek to destroy you, today you can turn around and press on to know the Lord (Hosea 6:3), to yada the Lover of your soul.

"His going forth is as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, Like the spring rain watering the earth."

Is Three a Crowd? Thoughts on the Trinity

Trying to understand the Trinity...well, it's no secret that it's an incredibly difficult concept! How is God one God, yet in three persons? This is a stumbling block for many people...but I find it so beautiful. I can't imagine God not being three in one. It gives him so many incredible characteristics, and it gives us so much meaning as His image-bearers.

First, when thinking of God as the Trinity, one of the best illustrations I have seen is light. 1 John 1:5 says, "God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all." Of course that is meant metaphorically, because God created both darkness and light, both night and day, and they were all good. However, I love the idea of God being light because it means He exposes all underhanded dealings for what they are (Eph. 5:13); He penetrates even the most remote corners of the world with His goodness and gives the earth warmth and nourishment. It is also a wonderful explanation of the Trinity. When red, blue, and green come together, they create a beautiful white light. But when the colors are separated as in a prism, like the blog in the link shows, they are still light. They are still the same substance, and they are a unity, yet they each refract into brilliantly different colors.

Another great illustration I've seen is of a triangle. A triangle cannot exist without three corners; it by very definition ceases to be a triangle. If we take away even one of the corners, we no longer have even one triangle. Even though each has its unique role, and the top corner is not the left corner is not the right corner, they all function to form one whole.

One time when I was trying to explain the Trinity to some people who were seeking to understand the Lord, I explained that the Father is above all things and is exalted high above the earth. The Bible says, "No one has ever seen the Father" (John 6:46). However, we have seen Jesus (John 1:14)! And through Jesus, we are able to call the exalted, holy Father an intimate word like "Abba" (Romans 8:15). The Word, which was with God and was God from the very beginning, became flesh and lived among us. Jesus is the way that God manifests himself physically on earth. Many people even believe that all of the Old Testament physical manifestations of God, such as Jacob's night wrestling, were actually early incarnations of Jesus. The Bible also says that the Church is the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), so His physical ministry on the earth never stopped, even when He ascended into heaven! It continues through the ministry of the Church. The Holy Spirit, though, is God inside us. He is the one who guides us into all wisdom and enables us to walk in/with Jesus and do His work on the earth. He is one with the Father and the Son and takes what is Christ's and declares it to us (John 14:16). Likewise, no one can say that Jesus is Lord except in the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 12:3). Because God in very nature is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we are able to see how the same God can be exalted above the earth, physically at work on the earth, and literally living inside all those who believe in Him as well.

Further deepening my understanding and appreciation of the Trinity is the fact that we are created in the image of God. Somehow, we must each be one and three at the same time. And we see this in the fact that each person is body, soul, and spirit. One human, three parts. Without even one part, one ceases to be human. This is why the church in its mission on earth seeks to care for all three persons inside each person! We meet physical, soul, and spiritual needs. "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thessalonians 5:23 NASB). The penalty for Adam and Eve not believing God was death, but they did not die immediately! The cycle of physical death began, and in that very instant the human spirit became naturally dead to God; it had to be resurrected somehow.

Our deepest lack is our spiritual separation from God, so we most importantly invite people to receive the Holy Spirit, a new identity of righteousness so that we can have eternal communion with God, made possible through Christ's victory.  "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children" (Romans 8:16). "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.... But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved" (Ephesians 2:1-5). When we accept Christ's love and receive the Holy Spirit, He replaces our old spirit of death and gives us new, eternal life!

Secondly, we care for souls - we don't just leave that person the way he or she is, but we invite him or her into life-giving community. We each grow in love for one another and for God, and we mature in wisdom and strength as we learn what God's perfect will is for our lives and how to walk in it. The soul encompasses our mind and emotions - the things that make us "tick," make us act the way we do. This is how we are completely righteous in Christ (in our spirit) and yet still have "work" that needs to be done inside us (Philippians 2:12)! This is how 2 Corinthians 5:21 (that we are the righteousness of God), Hebrews 10:14 (that we are perfect), and 2 Timothy 2:15-21 (Learn the Word of God more fully, so that your teaching will be correct and that God may use you for greater and greater works) can all be true! The first two are referring to the perfect Spirit, and the last one is referring to the soul as we walk intimately with God and show Christ to others, reflecting Him outwardly more and more.

One important thing to note is that when we receive the Holy Spirit, that means our soul is "saved." This doesn't mean that we always act that out correctly, which will be explained more fully in the next paragraph, but with the Spirit our soul is now able to mirror God in everything we think, say and do. The soul can either turn toward the flesh or toward the Spirit, but when we are in Christ, it feels really weird and wrong to turn toward the flesh, whereas before it would have felt gratifying! 1 Corinthians 2:14 says that the "natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised." The word for "natural" in the sentence refers to the soul. Once we have the Spirit, our soul is able to understand the things of God, and we are enabled to desire those things and walk in righteousness, rather than according to the flesh. Hebrews 4:12 speaks of the Word of God dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, judging the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. The Word is so powerful that it helps us see where our redeemed soul is turning toward the flesh and not aligning itself with the perfect Spirit, and then it helps us get realigned!

Okay, so with all that talk of "flesh" in the previous paragraph, you might have been thinking, what are you talking about? Flesh = body. Our bodies are beautiful but fallen from their original design, as our world is beautiful but fallen from its original design. Our bodies get sick. Our bodies die. Our bodies hunger and thirst, and therefore we are prone to gluttony and theft. We get sick and die when we are not able to get what we need. We horde from others to make sure our own needs are met. And hunger is just one illustration of the ways in which our bodies are fallen and cause us to sin. Our bodies are not bad in and of themselves, nor are our desires! God created the human body, and it is beautiful. God created food, and it is a gift. However, because of the Fall, we meet our desires in unhealthy ways, and our bodies often fight against us instead of for us.

1 Corinthians 6:20 admonishes us to glorify God with our bodies. In context, Paul has just been talking about issues within the Corinthian church, in which many are turning to the flesh to satisfy their needs and desires instead of turning toward the Spirit. The lawsuits among believers indicate strife and anger that has not been adequately dealt with. The sexual immorality, drunkenness, swindling, greed, and slander that he mentions also derive from people trying to live by the flesh instead of the Spirit. As their souls turn toward their fleshly desires, they try to satisfy them in ways that are not spiritual and that are contrary to their new nature. Paul goes on to say in 1 Corinthians 6:19 that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. A temple does not exist for its own sake; it exists for the sake of the One who is worshiped within it. Therefore, our bodies exist for doing good, for serving the Lord and serving others, not for serving themselves!

When we accept Christ and receive the Holy Spirit, we are already dead to sin and alive to Christ. We no longer live by the flesh, for it has been crucified, but live by the Spirit. So when Christians live according to the flesh, we're zombies, a contradiction, the walking dead! Paul is flabbergasted by this; how can we, who are dead to sin, continue to live in it (Romans 6:2)? It's a complete impossibility! When we live according to the flesh, satisfying its desires, rather than according to our perfect, righteous Spirit, we are allowing an illusion and a lie to control us. We are putting a dead body on the throne, attempting to resurrect something that has already been defeated and killed.

It is important to note that in the resurrection we will still have bodies; otherwise we are not complete people! We will not be torn apart; we will not be disembodied spirits or ghosts. This current body will pass away, it is true; this current body will die and fade away, but we will receive greater bodies. This is why Paul goes to great lengths to explain the resurrection body in 1 Corinthians 15:35-55.  We will have new and glorious bodies, and we have no idea what they will look like yet, because they are completely unlike anything we've seen before...but we know they will be awesome! See, if the body was a bad thing in and of itself, then it wouldn't be so great to compare the Trinity to human beings. But the body is not bad, and it will not be done away with. Rather, it will be like Steve Rogers becoming Captain America or Tony Stark becoming Iron Man. We will inhabit our true, eternal bodies that reflect who we are, who we were created to be.

Finally, one more thought on the Trinity. I've talked about God being like Light and a Triangle; how Father, Son, and Holy Spirit reveal to us God's nature and how He is at work; and about how our being created in the image of God means that we also are "tripartite" or have three essential parts. However, I also think the Trinity is important in how humans relate to one another, not just how we understand ourselves. God values community and relationships so highly that He is in community with Himself, able to converse with Himself, laugh with Himself, sing and dance with Himself. As Ellis Potter so beautifully writes, "God alone is God, and God is not alone." Jesus talked with the Father all the time while on earth, and the Spirit "talks" with Jesus  and makes His wisdom known to us! The Church is the Body of Christ, and we are all a family, regardless of how many fleshly family members each of us has, if we are orphans, or if we come from broken homes. We, though many members, form one body, one family. We also see a beautiful picture in the three-part family structure of father, mother, and child. They are different members with different roles, but they function as one unit. Humans, in the way we are designed to have community with each other, are separate and beautifully different and yet are one.

I think the Trinity, rather than being a troublesome doctrine or a stumbling block, explains the nature of God, the nature of humans, the nature of our relationship with God, and the nature of our relationships with one another perfectly. It is still a mystery, a beautiful mystery, just like all of the best things in life, and we struggle to find adequate ways to explain it. But it is true and good. I'm so thankful that, in Christ, empowered by the Spirit, we can run to God and cry, "Abba, Father!"

Grab His Cloak

"At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, 'Who touched my clothes?'" - Mark 5:30

Among a crowd of people, all pressing against him, all crowding and pushing to be near Jesus, only one woman actually touched Him. The others orbited around Jesus, they may have even physically brushed against him, but they failed to actually touch Him.

This woman, however, emboldened by both her faith and her long-suffering, with nothing left to lose, groped desperately for Jesus. And when she made contact with his cloak, it was not as one who just wanted to be seen with Him. It was not as one who was just curious. It was not as one who had nothing better to do that day than see this novelty of a man.

It was as one who demanded. One is foolish to demand anything from someone who is unable to deliver. She saw that Jesus was the Fountain of Life, her Inexhaustible Supply, the Provider, the Giver. She desperately made her plea, her claim even, on that power, that life. In her heart she thought, Jesus, I have nothing left but You. You're my last hope. I have suffered so long. I have lost all my money at the hands of doctors and gained no healing in return. I have only gotten worse when I longed to get better. Oh, but if I just touch you, I will be healed!

The disciples were bewildered. How could Jesus whirl around and ask who touched Him, when the crowd was pressing up against Him? I'm sure there were others in the crowd who brushed against His legs, His arms, His back. But He knew exactly who He was talking about, who He was looking for. Out of all the people brushing up against Him, vying for His attention, only one had actually touched Him. And it was the one who had, to the human eye, not truly even touched Him. But this woman who grasped the hem of His cloak laid more claim on His attention and on His power than the multitude pressing against His body. She was the only one who truly touched Him.

And He praised her for it. He praised her for her audacity. Her faith healed her. Her faith in His supply filled her every need.

He had everything she needed, but what if she had not laid claim to it? What if she had not reached out and touched Him? What if she had clung to condemnation and fear, telling herself how unworthy she was, and walked away still bleeding?

Perhaps others looked down on this woman. How dare she? How dare she think she is worthy enough? How dare she make such a claim on His power? How dare she put all her hope in His grace and love? How dare she touch a great Rabbi in all her uncleanliness, according to the Mosaic Law? But she dared. She dared. In all her suffering, in her poverty, in her uncleanliness and unholiness, she dared. And she was rewarded.

How many of us circle around Jesus, brushing up against Him in the crowd while never making any claim on His power? Too audacious, we think, to grab the hem of his cloak in our unworthiness. Too brazen. Don't I have to wait until I'm better? And once I'm "saved," don't I have to wait until I've become less sinful? But He is here. He is the Fountain of Life, the Supply, the Power. We are content to mill about Him, looking at Him, talking about Him, bragging that we've seen Him to our friends later that day...but never grabbing that hem in desperation and clinging to Him, making a claim on His power. "I will not let you go until you bless me!" cried Jacob as he wrestled in the night.

He has everything we need. All the grace, all the love, all the power, all the healing, all the victory. It does not do to stand looking at a Fountain when one is filthy. Looking at the Fountain, admiring it, discussing its virtues, will not make us clean. We have to lay hold on its cleansing power by touching that water for ourselves. Do not be afraid of approaching Him. Just as the Fountain would be foolish to expect clean people to come bathe in it, so Jesus knows it is only the dirty ragamuffins of this world who will summon up the audacity to grab His cloak.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

The year I was freed from religion.

When I returned from two years overseas in summer 2013, I was relieved that I had a definite next step - and what an amazing next step it was. After being back in the States only two weeks, I loaded up in the van in West Texas with the other UT BSM staff and interns and headed to Glorieta, New Mexico. It was incredible to see how God's plan had unfolded - how my family at UT had welcomed me back as someone who could be there for students who were where I'd been just a few years before. I was excited to help others navigate through the murky waters I'd waded through in those couple years and months leading up to graduation, excited to help other young women find their joy.

Another part of my incredible job was the travel and working with a group of others with a heart for God and a heart for the nations, others who knew exactly where I was because they had also just returned from overseas. What a joy it was to go all around the country with them, stirring God's Kingdom dreams in the hearts of students, praying with them, encouraging them, planting seeds in their heads and hearts - from South Carolina to Arkansas to California.

I'd had some culture shock at the beginning, especially when at Glorieta surrounded by thousands of college students, worshiping God with Charlie Hall and great acoustics and loud noise and lights when I had been used to ten people huddled around a ukulele in a home. But I ran outside and walked among the rocks and the trees and talked with Jesus, and He brought me through those weeks. Altogether, my transition was incredibly smooth.

But as 2014 rolled around, it became more and more apparent that I was running on steam.

By January, I realized I'd been...I guess...expecting something from God, in return for my "hard work," and He hadn't pulled through. He hadn't kept His promises. Instead, I was recovering from a bit of heartache, my body kept being sick and nothing I did could help and treatments seemed like money down the drain, and I felt the river of the Holy Spirit drying up inside me as I found no joy in ministry. When I looked at the future, where I had once seen dreams of what could be, instead I saw "a gaping black hole." That's actually the phrase I used when talking with a dear friend and mentor. A 25-year-old woman with all the advantages in the world seeing a gaping black hole when she looked at the future.

My dreams had been replaced by the grim reality that I was barely breaking even financially, that whatever goals I had for the future had to be deferred as long as my body was sick and out of control, that I didn't truly feel part of a community no matter how much I wanted to be.

I kept going, though, because deep down I still loved the Lord, even though I had told him angrily, "I'm through doing stuff for you!" And because there were so many people I loved. But I realized I was sure of just about nothing anymore. Nothing came guaranteed. Nothing could be controlled. Not health, not finances, not love, not the future.

and that's scary.

Not long after that low point, the Lord reminded me that so many others knew what it was like. So many have gone through times in which they loved the Lord, believed He did have a good plan for their lives...but can't understand why that plan, seemingly, hasn't been manifesting...or perhaps why their perspectives have altered so much that we hadn't been able to see His goodness and feel Him right next to them all along the road.

I was reminded to stop worrying about what I could "do" for God...and not to feel guilty about it. To enjoy a play because it was brilliantly scripted and superbly acted. To appreciate world-class violin just for its own sake. To take walks not for the sake of coaxing a "divine appointment," finding someone downtrodden to pray over and encourage...but just take a walk because I enjoyed it and because nature is beautiful.

I was afraid. I was afraid that if I started enjoying life for what it was and not measuring my performance by people's response or what I said or did to help them, maybe God would be angry. Maybe He would withhold blessing from me, or worse, His very presence. I felt guilty sometimes.

Fear and guilt...didn't Jesus come to set us free from those things?

Religion is funny.

Maybe if I had to sum 2014 up in one phrase, it was the year I was freed from religion.

I decided I needed a break from ministry. I needed a break from having to be "on" all the time and fake a joy that I didn't feel all that often. So I got a job coordinating Work-Travel program participants from around the world. Here are just some of the adventures I had:

1. Comforting a Ukrainian student at the hospital who had to have surgery after a fist fight with another Ukrainian

2. Trying to help two Chinese girls have fun in Austin when they were stuck cleaning rooms by themselves in a hotel down south, with no means of transportation except if they walked 3/4 mile to the bus stop

3. Inspecting the apartments of Turkish students who somehow managed to break the lid of the commode in half and mark up all the wooden furniture in 2 weeks

4. Having to explain to a Thai student what is appropriate and inappropriate for someone to say to him, and explaining that remarks someone made at an airport to him were very inappropriate...giving him the human trafficking hotline number for future situations

During that time of rest from ministry, I was processing a lot. I talked with a friend about the lack of power I'd felt...that I felt I was doing my part, but God wasn't showing up - either in my life or the lives of others. She reminded me that God was not holding anything back from me, and that He'd already given me everything I needed. I remembered times I had felt this, this deep intimacy apart from any works I could do. I had felt it sporadically throughout my life...I longed to feel it consistently.

I also learned about the healing power of God, which I have talked about in other posts. Through study of Scripture and through the guidance of the Spirit, I had come to believe that the best posture was simply taking Jesus at His word and not trying to explain away his radical promises or post-resurrection grace, even if they directly conflicted with my reality. And so as the physical symptoms roared, I would fight back with Scripture. Sickness is caused by a number of things, but I definitely believe there was a spiritual component to mine. I kept saying that I was through, that I'd had enough, that Jesus had already paid for my healing and it was going to manifest. It wasn't even an option anymore that it wouldn't. It wasn't even an option that it would drag on. And I kept that relentless hope in the face of reality. And I would not give in.

And I still don't give in. When symptoms of any kind appear, I do the same thing. When I go to a banquet and eat lasagna because that's the only option, I give thanks for that food, even the gluten and lactose, and thank God that my body will digest it well - and I don't give up on that conviction, even when my stomach begins to hurt (an application of 1 Corinthians 10). I don't give up faith, and the pain leaves. When I spend a day substitute teaching for 4th graders who are coughing all over the place, I thank God for safety from the flu that I know is trying to take my body down. And as the vicious condemnations come to mind - "Are you sure God really wants to preserve you from even that? That's just part of life!" and "God doesn't want to do that for you! You're not even one of his top servants! He would only deliver the Peters and Pauls from sickness!" - I feel equipped to answer them, as I believe more than ever in the finished work of Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit, and the reliability of the Word of God. I realize this raises some difficult questions, ones that I do not have space to explore in this post. But am I convinced that we should never feel condemnation or guilt in believing for healing, even for minor aches or a cold? Even that God is very pleased with that kind of faith? That God's will is to bless and not harm us? Yes.

I also began to no longer consider it an option that I could be motivated by fear or guilt, that there was still condemnation remaining for me in some way. Before, I think that aspect of faith had been ambiguous for me, as I had listened to law and condemnation and fear and guilt mixed with grace and truth so often in sermons and messages. Now I truly took Romans 8:1 to heart, that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus - and believed that it was not only for eternity but also here and now. That God was not frowning if I failed to share the gospel with someone. That he was not waiting in the wings to punish me if I slipped up. That he was not going to inflict me with some sickness or hardship to "teach me a lesson." That in Christ I am completely perfect and completely one with the Lord - it was not something I had to strive for, but something I had already attained. That he was not withholding any good thing from me and has already bestowed unimaginable, unmerited favor. That when something good happened to me, it was not just a "test" and God was not waiting with a string to yank it away if I didn't respond appropriately. It is the unconditional love of a good Father who enjoys blessing His children.

I moved to Granbury to live with my wonderful grandmother and her adorable fluffy dog Molly. I was troubled in my spirit as I went, wondering why I was going to seminary, and yet I knew it was what I needed to do. I began praying for God to provide a church that would confirm what He had been teaching me and encourage it. After prayer and an internet search, I found one, and when I went the first Sunday morning, was amazed that they taught love and grace and not condemnation and that it was a house church (I still haven't quite felt as comfortable as I used to in big churches). After the service, I told the pastor and his wife about my health problems and my journey, and they joined in encouraging me to keep believing for healing over my body and have confidence that Jesus had already granted it to me. They spoke of the Jesus I know. They spoke of a Jesus who had brought a stillborn infant of a woman in the church back from the dead, who had healed the pastor of ALS when he looked straight at the doctor after the diagnosis and said, "No, I do not have ALS; the Lord told me He has yet more for me here." This Jesus had healed multiple people of alcoholism - yes, people in the church, who joyfully boasted of the grace and healing of Christ in their lives and were unashamed.

This resonated with my soul, as I had thought, Yes...I knew He was like this. Somehow, in the middle of all the guilt and condemnation and fear and law...I always knew.

And just like that, I went cold turkey off of a bunch of expensive supplements that I'd been dependent on for almost a year. It was just a few months before, in January 2014, that my body had gone totally haywire and I was on the couch for hours a day in pain, curled up into a ball or throwing up. But in August 2014 I told God, "I'm taking You up on Your promises. My body cannot afford this anymore, my bank account cannot afford this anymore, and when symptoms start to come back I will not listen to them but will listen to You instead. And as I take my eyes off of the symptoms and fix them furiously and intently on You and Your goodness and power instead, I know they will fade away and my healing will manifest." And it did.

One of my favorite things someone said during this time of learning was that the hard message to preach is actually the message of grace. If you want an easy message, preach judgment and condemnation. That is what "itching ears" want to hear. That is the religious spirit - the spirit of the law that still pervades the world and keeps so many locked in its fearful grip. You're not good enough, it says. God is still angry at you if you mess up. You need to do this and this and this to make it right, it says. The religious spirit always takes you out of the Holy Spirit and back into the flesh trying its best to please God when it simply cannot (Romans 8...just all of it).

I used to think fighting the fight, keeping the faith and all that had to do with not "tripping up." But our spirits cannot become any more or less righteous once they have been made one with Jesus. We have been called the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, and that gift has been bestowed freely on us. The difficult thing to do is not to appear perfect - that's actually quite easy to do, and it certainly doesn't take a Jesus lover to be able to do that - but rather to keep believing in the impossible when the world and even much of the church shouts you down. It takes faith to believe God is immeasurably good and over-abundantly gracious when we are told He stands like a surly judge, holding scales to weigh the good and bad. It takes faith to believe grace wasn't a loan that you have to pay back with interest in the form of tons of good works. It takes faith to believe in His provision when you are watching your finances dwindle. It takes faith to believe a word He has spoken over you (holy...righteous...kind...gentle...patient) when you are still not behaving that way. It takes faith to believe you are already healed and keep declaring that truth when symptoms are still manifesting. It takes faith to tell someone the word that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you, and to actually believe it is from Him.

Faith can do what religion never could.

It is a fight of faith to believe in God's goodness, power, and dreams in the face of physical "reality." But that's okay, because He comes through time and time again. It is not even a matter of waiting for Him to come through; it is a matter of believing He already has, and joyfully anticipating that manifestation. Waiting excitedly to see just how He does it. Practically jumping up and down, like a child on Christmas morning...knowing that the present is already there under the tree but simply waiting until He tells you it's time to unwrap it.

I am not waiting for healing...I am whole and complete in Christ. 

Whatever my bank account looks like, I am not poor, and I have no lack...I am completely provided for in Him. And because I am not under the law, His provision or lack thereof does not depend on good works that I do.

However radical and crazy my giving looks, I can laugh and keep giving and giving...knowing that His abundance will supply my every need.

There is no separation...Jesus and I are one. Jesus is in me, and I am in Him. Even when I sin, He is still equally in me and with me. The Holy Spirit never leaves.

His acceptance is not conditional...He is not waiting for you to do anything. He has already done it all. He has accepted you just as you are, and you don't need to change, you don't need to become better, either before or after believing. All you have to be able to accept is that He has already accepted you, and rejoice in your Abba, Provider, companion, and friend.

He has finished the work. Rest in Him.

Greater Faith

"It seems to me to take a great deal more faith to be an atheist than to be a Christian, because you have to maintain the idea that a blind, meaningless, purposeless, amoral, uncaring, directionless reality has produced human beings who are the opposite of all these characteristics. A simpler assumption is that the characteristics of humanness are an expression of something inherent within the universe itself, and something that pre-exists the universe." - Ellis Potter

Photo: Amanda Dockery

Eyes Above the Waves

"The call of God is like the call of the sea— no one hears it except the person who has the nature of the sea in him. What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated, because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance— they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

"If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are." - Oswald Chambers

I was sharing something the Lord has been teaching me with a friend last night, and it occurred to me that there might be more people who need to hear it. And honestly, I need to get in the habit of writing truth for myself again. I haven't written in a while except in my journal, and I think it's been hurting me as far as standing firm in God's promises goes.

Discerning the will of God is always a difficult process. After going through the uncertainty that is graduating college, suffering uncertainty upon returning to the United States, and continuing to suffer uncertainty about what life will look like after my current one-year assignment, I've been through a lot of times of what I call "possibility paralysis." I'm blessed in that the possibilities are endless. But such opportunity can sometimes make God's will seem unknowable. It has been so easy the past few years to feel like I'm groping around blind, or shooting in the dark, and just praying God will make something beautiful come from it. It has been easy to feel far from him, especially in times of indecision.

I think part of my indecision comes from the fact that there are too many voices, and that I'm often not strong enough to only listen to God's when so many others clamor to be heard (including my own). I was telling my friend yesterday that I'm realizing we have to learn to distinguish between the voice we hear in the prayer closet and the voice we hear when we're surrounded by people. Now, God often uses people to speak truth and direction into our lives, it's true. His primary means of accomplishing his mission of reconciling the world to Himself is through the Body of Christ, aka the church, aka people. Broken, messed-up people who somehow still manage to walk by the Spirit. But if people seem to be telling us something different from what we're hearing in our intimate times alone with God, when there are no other voices to be heard, we should probably go with the one we're hearing in the prayer closet. 

It is all too easy for us to be swayed by people - whether by what they actually think or just what we imagine they think. People are often our biggest idol. "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe" (Proverbs 29:25). How many times do we believe we are incapable of something because someone has told us, directly or indirectly, that we can't do it? How many times do we believe we are worth nothing because someone has told us so? How many of our life decisions, like what career to pursue or even what hobbies to take up, are motivated by what others will think, by their approval? Often, we are convicted by the Holy Spirit to do something, but once we are around people, fear sets in and we find that thing difficult or silly. Say He calls us to ministry, but the next thing we know we are surrounded by friends who are doctors and lawyers, talking about their jobs we can't really relate to, and we begin to think ministry is an impractical pipe dream. Or the opposite - God calls you to be a teacher, and you feel like that occupation is worthless when you're hanging around with your friends who are in vocational ministry. Neither of these thoughts is true, and the Holy Spirit is equally present in both decisions, but we let people's audible voices drown out the still, small, intimate one.

This past weekend at a prayer retreat, I kept asking Father to reveal his will for my future. For just a word. He has brought John 15 to mind through a few friends recently, and it was also the theme of the retreat, so I meditated on that. All I kept hearing in answer was "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me" (John 15:4). Also, he said, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit..." (John 15:16a). Abide. What a beautiful word, yet how difficult for us to constantly abide in Jesus rather than in our own selfish thoughts and desires. Honestly, this wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted something more specific. "Go there." "Do that." However, I recognize the truth of that word, abide. The more we are one with the Spirit, the more our decisions will naturally reflect His will. Our goal is for there to be no separation, that we are living and breathing in and out the life of Jesus, that we have died completely to ourselves and completely taken up the glorious life of Christ. Then, we won't even have to question our decisions. There will be no distinction between the Spirit's desires and ours.

We underestimate the power of the Spirit inside us. We underestimate our oneness with Him. We don't believe Jesus when He says, "If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him" (John 14:23). We need to know that, if we are abiding in Him, whatever we choose will ultimately turn out to be His will. At the time, we might be shakily making the decision, only feeling it to be slightly better than the alternative. We just might "feel more at peace" with it. Or perhaps doors were shutting in the other direction. But we proceed in prayer, placing one trembling foot forward, telling Him we prefer His plans to ours and inviting Him to come make His home in and with us. And one day, as with past decisions, we know we will look back and be able to see God's hand at work. We will be able to see what He had in mind.

I heard somewhere that we shouldn't trust ourselves to accurately discern God's voice; rather, we should trust Him to make His voice clear to us. A lot of times, when we are worrying about the future, we give ourselves a lot more credit than we are due. We actually think it's up to us to make God's plan happen. I think Moses did too. I mean, God appeared to Moses in a burning bush, spoke audibly to him, and yet Moses still worried about what he was being told to do! "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain" (Exodus 3:11-12). See what God did there? Moses asked, "Who am I that I should make your plan happen?" And God basically said, "It's about who I am, not about who you are. I will be with you. That is the only reason you can succeed. And the sign you are looking for will not come until after you have already obeyed."

If the call of God is like the call of the sea, it means that sometimes the waves will lap at our feet just enough to remind us to get in the boat, but we may not always know our destination from there. In fact, I would say we usually won't. It would be so easy for us to stay on the shore and walk parallel to His plan rather than toward it, but that is not God's desire for us. And it will not bring about the abundant life. He desires for us to get in the boat, push away from the voices on the shore, and face our fear of the unknown. And though we may not be able to see the next destination, we will see the figure walking on the water who called us out in the first place, pulling us right along behind Him and continuing to whisper, "Come, follow me."